Interrogations

I challenged Stacy of Jurgen Nation to come up with five interview questions for me. I thought it would be easy to answer them in a few minutes . . . but as she is the queen, she gave me some DOOSIES and it's taken days to feel like I had any decent answers, and question 5 still isn't complete! But I had to do SOMETHING with them! So here they are in all their glory!

1. You have an IMPECCABLY decorated house. It’s one of the nicest I’ve ever seen. But, uh-oh. You’ve just been sent to jail (for being so damned adorable). Decorate your jail cell and explain in detail. Assume you can do almost anything you want, but you cannot add space or change the layout in any way.

I've thought a lot about this. More than I really should have. Decorating a cell is serious stuff! It can make or break the relationship you might have with fellow prisoners! I'm going to assume, for the sake of my decorating, that I have a cell to myself.

You've got to work with all the iron . . . right? I mean you're practically surrounded by it. So I'm thinking this . . . votive candles suspended between the bars. Candles make anything look elegant right?

I will definitely paint the walls. I am a sucker for color. Most likely two colors, as I'm also a sucker for accent walls. And cells are notoriously dark, so I'm trying to brighten it up. I will stick with my bedroom colors . . . Ralph Lauren Evocative Sunlight on the two side walls with Behr Heathered Laurel on the back wall.

As for accessories, I love wall art . . . to add culture and art to my cell I would like to have antiqued pictures of Michaelangelo marble statues or possibly Da Vinci cartoons (or such things). The pictures will be in varying sizes, arranged randomly on the walls in black frames and ivory mats. And plants. I have to have green plants. I am notorious for killing delicate plants, so it would have to be something like Ivy, so that I don't kill it right away. You have to have pictures of family and friends of course, in cute little frames on cute little side tables I'll bring in, which, since I have no budgetary limitations and I want to give it to the government (hehehe) will be from Z Gallerie. Because I said so.

I realize that nice sheets are a luxury not usually found in jail, but since I can do anything I want, I want sateen 1000 thread count sheets and soft pillows. And lots of pillows -- decorative and functional. In shades of ivory and green, to match my wall colors. There would also be, of course, a gorgeous duvet to top it all off. Maybe I'll even take mine from home, I love it that much.

I'll need a leather reading chair . . . the big comfy kind, with an ottoman to rest my feet on (wow apparently I have a large cell.) and it will have a soft angora throw and a rubbed bronze reading light.

It's jail, I realize . . . but at least it will be homey!!!

2. You love Mr. Kateastrophe. He’s fantastic, no? (His name is Matt - I have a Matt and he is also fantastic.) You come home one day, however, to find him waiting for you in the parlour (for we all have parlours) in his purple velveteen smoking jacket. He is sipping brandy. “Kate,” he says urgently, “we need to talk.” He then proceeds to tell you that he quit his job today to pursue his dream - his dream of becoming a Lil’ John impersonator. He shows you his new shiny silver grill. Explain your reaction and then, in painstaking detail, argue FOR him pursuing this dream, giving reasons why he should pursue this with every molecule in his body.

I am dumbfounded, for just a few seconds. I knew this day would come . . . they day that my shy, quite, introverted husband busted out of his shell and did something crazy. I warned him it was going to happen, and he swore it never would. Did I expect THIS? Not really. I expected more of a blow up of astronomical proportions in which he shouts out all of my flaws and faults that he's never discussed. A new grill . . . that I never expected. However . . . this could be interesting! And . . . FUN!

"Matt, go for it." I say with fervor. "You have always done what you thought was responsible and what was the right, conservative, unobtrusive thing to do. Go be dramatic! Go pursue this! We see commercials for impersonators at the casinos all the time. There's a market for this! (I'm standing on the coffee table now) Who doesn't want to see a geeky white-boy accountant with no rhythm go out there and rap!? And you can dance to it!! You got into that hip-hop stuff last summer while we were addicted to 'So You Think You Can Dance.' (Now I'm jumping with joy) I've seen your moves! I know you've got it in you! I spent four years in college training to be a Broadway star and look where I am now! I got my chance to go for something crazy . . . GO FOR IT!"

I flop down on the couch, exhausted and excited all at the same time. I can't wait until his friends see THIS. Whether or not I really want him to do this, the thought of my easily embarrassed husband rapping and dancing and grabbing his crotch as Lil' John will be worth every penny he loses.

3. What drink would you prepare for yourself immediately after this conversation?

Sadly, the drink I always prepare. Diet Coke with Lime. Though this MIGHT be the time for Matt to start drinking to pull his dream off. . . I'll go buy some scotch, just in case.

4. Describe your dream cupcake, down to each sprinkle and the color frosting (or no frosting, it’s your damned cupcake).

How did you know I dream of cupcakes?!?!? I love them more than anything.

It's a devil's food chocolate cupcake. With chocolate chips baked in. And it's topped with about four inches of thick, pink frosting, in a swirl like an ice cream cone. And it has one of those . . . sugar sculpture thingies . . . in the shape of a pink high heeled shoe. No sprinkles, just the frosting and the sugar. Mmmmmm sugar.

5. Oh, crap**. You win a radio show that gives you your own reality TV show. Describe a day in your life (exaggerated, as all reality television programming is).

First of all, I'd have to go back to being the Executive Assistant . . . because it's better than a movie 'round here, folks. But I'm going to have to work hard on this one, and it's going to be a novel of sorts, so check back later, as it's going to take some serious time to complete. But I promise it will be good.

Hopefully I'll have it by tomorrow!

**Stacy, pardon my editing -- my Mom reads this blog!!