Due to my reflective nature and events of the last year or so withing my group of "SuperFriends" I have been thinking about the kind of friend I really am.
I have been called loyal by many, but I know there are those out there who would claim I am far from loyal. And I think both are true. I have been known to be loyal almost to a fault, but at the same time, I have been known to do some things that do not scream of loyalty.
I was raised by a mother who always made me look at the other side. What had I done to help cause the conflict? What was the person who was being a jack*ss going through in their personal lives that caused them to be so incredibly lame?
I inherited this trait . . . to a fault. I'm sure my friends HATE me for it sometimes, just like I HATED my Mom for it.
Example: A hypothetical friend and her boyfriend break up, and it's not pretty. Neither was nice during the break-up and both are hurt. Hypothetically, I am friends with both of them at this point, as I've been there for the entire two years they've been dating. While my loyalty, in the end, lies with the girlfriend, I can't help but feel for the guy because, as a best friend, I KNOW the flaws and downfalls of my girlfriend. I know her tricks and what she does to hurt and all of those . . . girly things. And the guy? Well, he's a guy. They're usually idiots. I am of the firm opinion that people are GOOD and there are two sides to every story and both sides are relevant. SO, during the break-up I might lend an ear to the boyfriend. After the break-up I might still hang our with or run in to said guy. I'm just not going to ignore him. I'm not going to NOT say hi and find out what he's up to or pretend we didn't like each other and get along. I'm not going to give him a hug and say "WHAT'S UP BIATCH?!?!" (Just like that. Promise.)
I have rubbed many a friend wrong because of that "I love everyone" attitude. But I just can't help it! I get attached to people! I like people! I like my friends ex-boyfriends! I like MY ex-boyfriends, and with a few exceptions, I still talk to most of them! I hold on to very little hatred or loathing. (I loathe one person that I can think of at the moment, and she really doesn't deserve my loathing because she just happened to love the same guy I did and was doing everything she could to steal him back but it was only because she loved him . . . I just happen to still hate her for it. Hahaha.)
I guess at times though, I question myself for that behaviour. Does a true friend always side with the friend in question?
My answer, after much pondering, is no. What kind of a friend would I truly be if I always agreed with someone? If I never questioned their decisions or motives or choices? My opinion may not be correct, but it's MINE and what kind of friend asks me not to have my own opinion? I want my opinion damn it!
I have not always felt this way. I'm a peacekeeper by nature. . . me no likey making waves, being in uncomfortable situations or confrontation. I'll apologize for ANYTHING if I think it will make the commotion stop. Sure! My fault. Kick me! Hate me! Just stop the awkwardness!! I never used to call anyone on anything. I was always the low guy on the totem pole, the dog that got kicked when the mad owner came home. I used to constantly overhear jabs aimed at me . . . and I never said anything. Sure it hurt my feelings, but I was so afraid of losing my friends, or who I thought were my friends, that I just let it. Translation? I was a pushover nerd desperate for friends.
I am still somewhat of a pushover and peacekeeper, but my previous position and the advantage of observing the spawn of Satan throughout my life (just kidding, Dad. But you know you're mean right? Hahah) I have learned how to stand up for myself a lot better.
I don't think some of the people in my life really like that side of me. They were so used to me agreeing with everything and not calling them out on their bull crap, that it really took them back when I started doing it. I'm sure it was shocking to them! All of a sudden little complacent Kate became the girl who said "Yeah, no . . . I don't really feel like it" or "You're being dumb" or "You're a big fat liar pants but I love you anyway, you know that right?"
I think it came as a slap in the face to some. The peacekeeper in me feels badly about that. But the new, mean me, doesn't feel so bad. In fact she's pretty proud of herself sometimes. And I know my opinion isn't always right . . . I know I'm wrong just as often as the next guy. But my peacekeeper side and my ballsy side have come to terms. Sure the fight sometimes, but they kind of dig each other.
Am I wrong? To be a good friend do you have to be completely loyal?
Ta-Daa! Sticky!
8 comments:
Buckle down, this will be a long one. Have I mentioned that I love you? Ahh, Kate - we all love you. I have been friends with you for...12 years? I wasn't very nice to you in Junior High, but in HS you were in a class where I didn't know anybody. I took a chance and wrote you a note and you instantly put all the past crap behind us and we became pals. I know that you were a huge pushover back in the day and most of us took advantage of that (ok, me). I love that you have started to stand up for yourself and say what's on your mind! Being loyal doesn't always mean we are just a shoulder to cry on, someone to blame, a therapist or always on their side. It also means you can smack your friend upside the head because you know she needs it! You are the truest friend a girl could ask for, I don't think you'll find anyone tell you different.
there are those in my life who have been my friends since we were small children... and it comes pretty naturally with those people to call each other on our crap. some of the most heart wrenching experiences of my life have been with those friends when they have been laying it all out on the table, but those same moments were also some of the greatest life changing moments too -- realizations of the major weaknesses in my life that i needed to work on. but then there are the new friends... those people who come in to your life later on when things are supposed to be "cordial" and it's not as easy to cross that "true friend" hurdle... in fact, one of my new friends and i made a pact a couple of weeks ago to tell each other when we're being stupid. no harm intended, just being honest, with love knowing that we're only doing it because we care. these are the kinds of things you have to do when you get older and it's lame. but, i say... if your friends can't tell you when you're being wonderful and at the same time tell you when you're being stupid, they're really not worth having. who wants to go through life with cheerleaders all the time?! i think friends who always take your side and always tell you you're right do us all a terrible disservice. so... good on you kate! be the peacemaker, with a little reality on the side! it's good for everyone involved. :)
Yay for new Kate! I'm sure you remember, but one of our ONLY fights was about this very thing. I was so frustrated that you kept defending the idiot guy I was involved with at the time.
I have known you my whole life, and I think that I may be one of the few people who is more of a pushover than you are- we always did what YOU wanted to do as kids- so what does that make me? Hehehehe!
Truly though, it has always been nice having your voice of people-loving reason around.
Love you!
You're right--it DID come as a slap in the face to some, but a breath of fresh air to others. I love you for not always thinking that I'm right. Hahaha. Except that I AM always right... wait... Anyway, yes. Some people want someone who will tell them they're perfect and great and wondrous all the time--but those people aren't looking for a FRIEND, because a FRIEND doesn't do that.
Loving you and thanking you for being my BEST friend,
Anne
I know you have smacked me between the eyes with some truths that have hurt at the time, but never for an instant was I ever mad at you for it. I consider this brutal honesty to be part of the loyalty you have toward me (and someone else I happen to be dating). The hard thing is to say how you feel and you are putting yourself out there every time you do it. Don't you DARE even think that you are less of a friend for being honest. I love you Kate!
Kate Kate Kate. I LOVE the new Kate. I might change my mind for a minute when you tell me someday that I'm the one being an idiot. But for now...this is the Kate I was hoping would come out someday--despite having been party to taking advantage of pushover Kate. I like this Kate. There you have it.
I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!! Thank you for being my friends. I'd be lost without you.
The I love Everybody mentality is a sound one. Of course, it is toughter to love some rather than others... but it sure is a good place to start!
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