My Grand Entrance Into the Adult World

I can’t believe I’m telling this story to the whole world. I really can’t. I mean, I tell it at parties to keep people laughing, but actually PUBLISHING it . . . that’s a different story. But here goes.

So, flashback to April, 2002. I have finally completed my requirements for my Fine Arts Degree in Music Dance Theatre from Brigham Young University. I’m finally a real adult and I’m proud of it.

Now, I must explain a little further how I found myself in the position I did. The MDT (Music Dance Theatre) program was very small and very . . . “elite” as we liked to call it. Only about 25 students per year were accepted, and within a given semester only about 6-8 graduated. We were given the “elite” privilege of performing a musical number at our department’s commencement ceremony and also at another department’s. This was great, but it caused us to have to attend TWO boring commencement ceremonies and also caused several “difficulties” as far as logistics and seating were concerned. We couldn’t file in with the rest of the college and sit in the normal order. We had to wait off stage for the beginning and our turn to sing, then we had to file around the back of the stage and were the first ones to receive our diplomas, and then we finally filed on to the very back row of the risers in the theater and sit. It should be noted that we were the only ones on the back row.

So, we did our thing, got our diploma’s and filed onto the back row to sit through the rest of the speeches and fluff that are common in any college graduation.

Keep in mind that because there were only about 6 of us graduating, we were all very close. We’d spent four years in the exact same classes, learning the same songs and scenes and whatever else we were required to do. We loved each other and had a blast together. Also keep in mind that, despite being at a predominantly LDS (aka Mormon) school, being in theatre meant that we had more than a couple of homosexual gentleman in our major.

So we sat down, diplomas in hand and entertained ourselves by . . . being musical theatre majors. We were notorious around the Fine Arts Department for being loud and obnoxious. We were shunned by dance majors for not being real dancers, by theatre majors for not being “real” actors, and of course by the vocal/opera majors for not being “real” singers. We were the red-headed step-children of the Fine Arts & Communications Department. So of course, my year lived up to the reputation. We were obnoxious and loud and were cracking jokes from the back row to entertain ourselves during the ever-so-boring speeches.

Finally, the end of the ceremony was near. The dean of the department was finally speaking and wrapping this thing up. He thanked our teachers for their hard work and dedication, he thanked us for being hard workers and then he thanked our parents for everything they had done to get all of us proud graduates to the point we were now at.

It was at this point that my favorite gay friend, Clark said to me “we should stand up and cheer for our parents.”

And, being the obnoxious MDT majors we were known to be, we stood up and whooped and hollered and cheered.

Then we sat down.

Only . . . when I sat down my chair . . . well . . . “scooched” backward.

Now, “federal regulations” require that any riser taller than about 3’ has to have “back support” to prevent individuals from falling off the risers. BYU had followed this rule to the absolute minimum. The “back support” was about the equivalent of a ruler held up by two ¼” dowels. So, when I “scooched” the back support “snapped.”

The back two legs of my chair were off the edge of the riser and I had no back support.

And.I.started.falling.

So, I did what any normal, flailing, falling college graduate would do. I grabbed on to Clark to support me. Only, it didn’t work. Clark’s chair “scooched” and he started falling.

So Clark did what any normal, flailing, falling college graduate would do and he grabbed on to Cindy, the girl next to him. Only THAT didn’t work. Now she had been a little smarter and saw the fall coming and held on to her chair for dear life. There was a loud “SSSCCREEEEAAACCCCCHHH” sound before she AND her chair started going over the edge.

Now, SOMEHOW, after losing my chair to the floor below, I managed to grab on to the underside of the riser and hold on, but, my graduation gown flew over my head and I was hanging, butt down, from the riser with my gown covering my face. My calves were the only thing not suspended in mid-air, and probably the only thing that saved me from falling all the way down.

Clark was not so lucky. He started flailing even more and somehow managed to grab on to the curtain of the theater and SLIDE down it to the floor, hitting with a thud.

Cindy and her CHAIR pitched sideways over the edge and landed RIGHT.ON.TOP.OF.CLARK. Face down, provocative style. By itself, it’s funny. But knowing that Clark was very, very gay, made it even better.

Cindy got up and RAN off stage as fast as she could.

Clark sat up, wind knocked out of him and reached behind him and lifted up a rose. Somehow he had managed to land directly on a long stemmed rose and smashed it to death. As he held it up it just . . . wilted. I don't know why that part is so funny to me but it totally is.

I eventually pulled myself back up onto the riser and was laughing hysterically. It was a silent laugh though, because there was a commencement ceremony still going on of course. So I was hunched over on my chair, shaking uncontrollably and had tears streaming down my face.

Our head professor had run from the front row back to see if we were ok. I’m sure she thought I was about to die. She kept asking me if I was OK and I just couldn’t stop laughing to tell her I was fine. Clark, still a little winded, said “I think she’s just laughing.” Now I was pointing to my nose, letting him know that he was “on the nose” with that one and that I was, in fact, dying of laughter and nothing else.

I didn’t hear this, but apparently the Dean had looked back wondering about the commotion and said “Well if they can’t hold on to their diplomas now, we might need them to come back and repeat college!” Very funny.

Later that night my family was laughing about what had happened and each person who had been in the audience was telling their reaction.

My Mom had started leaping over people, running to save me, sure I had hurt myself. She was in the middle of the back row, so she caused quite a commotion there.

My friend’s parents had just started laughing uncontrollably.

My Dad had shot straight up from his second row seat to see if he could see me and if there was blood.

My personal favorite as my brother Sean’s reaction. Keep in mind that I went to Brigham Young University and 98% of the attendees and their parents are tried and true Mormons. My brother, seeing my fall says OUT LOUD from the SECOND ROW of the HUGE THEATRE in a LOUD VOICE:

“My stupid sister just F***ING fell off the F***ING back row.”

I’m pretty sure the Honor Code Police are still looking for me to strip me of my diploma for that one.

So there you have it folks. The Kateastrophe of Kateastrophes.

Please, no autographs today.