There is a song called "Shy" from a not-so-famous musical called "Once Upon a Mattress" in which the lead character dances and belts at the top of her lungs that she's
"just as embarrassed as you
And I can understand your point of view
I've always been SHY
I confess that I'm SHY
Can't you guess that this confident air
Is a mask that I wear 'cause I'm SHYYYY"
And it's basically a mockery of shyness. It's a great song, though slightly obnoxious if you don't like a purely belted song.
But, this leads me to the point of my post.
There was a time, or actually a very long time basically spreading from the moment of my birth until about five years ago, when I was not shy in any way, shape or form. My mother tells stories of me hanging out of shopping carts at the grocery store screaming "Hi! Hi! Hi. HIIIIIII" until the person I was speaking to had no choice but to respond. I'd wander off all the time and find the nearest stranger and strike up a conversation. I remember TELLING my mother, after we saw "Cats" for the first time that I could sing just like Grizabelle the Glamour Cat in her rendition of "Memory." And I truly believed it. I could do anything. I could BE anything. Looking back I can't believe what a self-assured, confident little person I was.
Honestly, I blame/thank my mother. My birthday is New Year's Eve, and until I was about five, I was told, and honestly believed that the fireworks and parties and hoop-la was for MY birthday. I was convinced that the whole world was celebrating ME. I was devastated when I discovered that New Year's Eve was a world-wide celebration of THE NEW YEAR, but I think that it truly helped form the confident person I became.
Then something happened . . . I guess it crept up slowly through the years. A bit of self consciousness here and there slowly oozed it's way into my life. I found myself becoming shy in the weirdest situations. For example, I am a trained Broadway style singer (thus the "Once Upon a Mattress" reference). I have years and years of voice training and acting and all of that under my belt. Yet, I am terrified to sing in front of small crowds, especially when they are filled with people I know. I have NO problem singing to a huge auditorium, but put me in a room with my family and ask me to sing a Christmas song and I FREAK OUT. I myself readily admit it is the weirdest thing.
I now find myself hiding in my shell more, hiding from confrontation and not wanting to "put myself out there" and meet tons of new people. And it's SO STRANGE to me! Because I know how I used to be!
I am trying to figure out how to get some of my carefree, non-shy self back. I liked that person! I liked the girl who truly believed she could do anything. Who tried to make friends with everyone she encountered. Who didn't understand and had to fix it when someone didn't like her. I am also trying to find this person for the new responsibilities in my job. I am now responsible for lead generation for our sales team. This is going to require my "putting myself out there" a lot more. And I'm scared. Hold me.
I guess I have two questions for the bloggy world. First, does this happen to everyone? Do we all become more and more shy and reserved as we become adults? Second, do you have advice on how to overcome it when necessary? Truly, I'm dying to know. Spill!
Ta-Daa! Sticky!
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11 comments:
Well fellow night-blogger, since I have known you forEVER, I must respond. I don't think we all get shy...maybe just more PC. Life as children requires no political correctness evidenced by kids never being afraid to point out a fat lady or an ugly human. I just think we forget or learn how NOT to be anymore, and we have to learn how to become as we once were. Too utopian? Nah, it's just really late...
I actually think we do become more "shy", for lack of a better term. I too used to have loads of confidence and never feared the world. Think of what we were like in High School! In ways, I think I do have more confidence now, but the things that I have confidence in have changed - does that make sense? I think that when we're younger, we can and do believe anything we tell ourselves. When we grow up, we don't so much believe in ourselves because it's just easier to see the negative spin on things. We get hurt more as we get older, we are exposed to more things and thus we learn to hide or become shy when we normally would yell out our opinions. Anyhoo, SUPER long comment, but I want you to know that I know exactly what you're talking about. And it's hard! It's hard to step out of your comfort zone, but we all deal with that sooner or later - just give me a call and I'll give you a pep talk.
Okay...so I have found your blog and now I post too much. Sorry... :) I have to agree with Julia. I was always a bit shy and reserved, but the people I was around would help pull me out of my shell. Today that is still the case with friends I make. There is always one who is REALLY confident and can conquer the world. That one person helps me to relax and not be afraid to look silly. I have always and still do care WAY too much what people think, but now I have an amazing husband who thinks the world of me. I have a daughter in who’s eyes I can do no wrong. I guess that’s the best rooting section anyone can have. For me, as long as my marriage is good, my kids are happy, and I have one or two close friends…life is ALL good! It’s not about who you know of the popularity contest anymore. As the Velveteen Rabbit learned “It’s about being real”. That’s all anyone wants. See…Jewels and Hannah are right. ☺ It’s actually funny…I have linked to your blog and Hannah’s from Julia’s…but I was always too shy until now to leave a post. After you left the one at my blog….I got out of my shell. I’m so glad I did too.
I was actually trying to figure this out myself. I had total shaky-voice/is she going to cry thing going on when I did my presentation last week. TO PEOPLE I SEE EVERY DAY. I used to do the choir/drama thing in school and had no problem - but I DID have a problem giving presentations! I was thinking maybe it's about whether I created what I'm presenting or not. Like, as long as I'm just reading someone's written lines, I'm okay, but once I have to tell people, "This is what I've found..." I get really nervous.
I agree with the above comments that life tends to shape us. This is the reason why I am too scared to tell my girl to stop acting like a damn cat. I don't want to be the one to squash her creativity and such.
That's sad about your birthday! :( How cool those first five years must have been!
Ha! I have a New Year's Eve baby and I wonder if he, too, will grow up thinking the party's all for him. :)
So here's my take on the shy thing (love that song, BTW. It's one of my favorite ways to annoy my children.).
I also think that we start out less shy or perhaps a better term is "more authentic". We just are who we are without apology. I think as we grow up we start to internalize certain messages of "That's not okay." or "If you do that, someone will hurt you." We've got this inner judge calling the shots and telling us what is and what isn't "okay". So, we begin to hide much of our authentic selves.
Now, this is a VERY good thing in some cases. I'm glad my inner judge taught me that it's not a good idea to run around the neighborhood naked. Check. Good job, judge, you've kept me safe.
But sometimes she goes overboard and the things we still unconsciously tell ourselves as adults hold us back. Things like "If you make a great presentation they might think you're showing off." or "If you don't do this exactly right, they won't like you." or very worst of all "What they think about you matters."
I think, as adults, our process is to try to unearth that authentic self again by sorting through those messages and deciding for sure which ones we really believe and which ones are worthless.
But, it's hard work and sometimes we're just not conscious enough to recognize those little nagging voices in our heads and just shrink and feel, well, shy.
That's my theory. I think we just need to realize when what we're telling ourselves is true and when it's not serving or helping us.
I just stumbled on your blog last week and LOVE it.
Fellow blog birthday sister-
I think we do become more reserved as we get older. Maybe it has to do with becoming "responsible" and settling into a more adult persona than a carefree, youthful one. I don't always come across as shy, but I certainly do feel that way. I think I put on a brave face and push through it though because I feel like it's the "adult" thing to do. Weird...but I totally get how you're feeling.
i am actually finding that the opposite is happening to me... although as we all know i am in no way "care free" i have become so much more laid back and ehhhh whatever about life, and at the same time i am not afraid to put myself out there and make friends. i think that as we get older we just change... and we realize the possible socially awkward things about ourselves that we never realized before and do something about them... like me crying all the time... it finally hit me... NO ONE LIKES THAT... but at the same time i now no longer give a sh** if they don't like me... i don't know growing up is weird, changing is weird... but i don't think you have changed all that much.... WOW i am babbling and it makes no sense... ummm i love you! and i can't wait to see your bottom!
Wow! Great topic, Kate! For me, I have always loved to speak in front of people and that's still the case. I have almost always loved to sing in front of people and that's still the case. But make friends with the lady in front of me in line at the grocery store? Uh.... No. I am way too shy for that. That confuses the heck out of people and makes them think that I'm a snob or whatever, but it really is that I just have no idea what to say to people. I never have. Even as a kid I was this way.
I was at Lagoon today and I saw people--"adults"--who were so incredibly full of themselves and obnoxious and outgoing, etc, and I just wanted to smack them and tell them to SHUT THE HECK UP!!! They were annoying us all! If only they'd grown out of it...
Like you, I'm a trained musician. Want me to play in front of a stadium of people I don't know? No problem. In front of four of my closest friends and family? Not going to happen.
I think everyone here is right. We get filters as we get older and that colors how we see the world and other people. When we're younger, we don't have those experiences to reference. So, some shyness is good. I figure as long as you're not afraid to go out of your house, you're fine.
You know that is really interesting. All of my life I felt fearless with crowds. I would always be the center of attention making everyone laugh, and because I was in the acting sect of my school I was constantly on stage performing to all kinds of groups. Sure, I would be nervous here and there but nothing like what happens now.
I have become a complete scaredy-cat (sp???) when it comes to any sort of public speaking. I work in casting and as a joke my bosses wanted me to audition for them and a camera and I totally froze. Like Cindy Brady froze (it was Cindy, right?). Embarassing!
No advice here other than don't think about it too hard. Just try to be yourself and dont put too much pressure to be perfect.
I remember thinking the same thing about performing for crowds vs. loved ones when I was maybe 8 and had a dance recital coming up. My family wanted a performance in the living room. I about passed out at the thought. But I had no problem getting on stage in the lights and doing it confidently for hundreds of faceless people. I don't think it's so much a shyness thing. It's the mentality of the blob that's the crowd vs. those you love--CLOSE UP.
I'm still the same way. It's no big deal to think of thousands of people reading my novels, but I freak out a bit when I find out a sister, in-law, or close friend has read one. Imagining some faceless person thousands of miles away reading it is much easier.
And yeah, I AM painfully shy. Always have been, and like with Brillig, it gives people the wrong impression.
Maybe the two are connected.
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