Ta-Daa! Sticky!

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Beerfest 2007

Yes, I have reset the Kateastrophe counter. I was JUST this week thinking "wow, maybe my curse is over! I haven't had a Kateastrophe in a record amount of days!"

Que karma, kicking my butt.

My husband and I had decided about two weeks ago that, due to hell-like temperatures and a wee bit of cabin fever, and no house projects to complete (HALLELUJAH!) we WERE. GOING. OUT. OF. TOWN. THIS. WEEKEND. We just didn't know where. For a very long time. And the EVENT PLANNER in me was FREAKING OUT. But I digress . . . to the point, and the point is, that on Thursday evening we finally decided to go to Vegas for the weekend. We hopped on some hotel site that sounds like sliceline.com and bid ourselves into a great deal at a four-star hotel near Lake Las Vegas (so pretty! So worth going there if the craziness of the strip drives you, well . . . crazy. There wasn't even a CASINO in our hotel! Ah the relief!) and then we bought ourselves tickets to Blue Man Group, which I have been dying to see for a very, very long time. So that was the weekend plans and we were very excited.

Now, I had considered giving you a lengthy description of each of our activities, alluding to possible Kateastrophes around every corner, but alas, I am very sleepy and really need to go to bed, so I'm cutting right to the chase.

We hung out in Vegas all day, ate lots of food, saw lots of shops, ate more food and then FINALLY it was ten o'clock and we could FINALLY see Blue Man Group. Now, having purchased our tickets late, we were on the middle of the very last row of the lower level of the theatre (note to anyone, these were actually GREAT seats and not what I expected.). I was fairly tired of being on my feet and very excited to sit down and relax for the few minutes before the show started. Alas, as is my fate, this was not to be . . . of course being in the middle of the row I had to climb over a bunch of people to get to my seat. I was alone as Matt was visiting the facilities. I had several shopping bags because OOOH SALES at Banana and Express! And of course my heavy purse. I climb over the laps of several elderly people sitting on the edge and finally find our seats. Now, being the good wife I am, I see that, at least for the moment there are people on one side of our seats and no one on the other, and because my husband is shy and doesn't like to sit next to strangers, I take the seat next to the people.

So I get all my shopping bags situated under my seat and then finally, sink into my seat, so happy.

Que the guy next to me setting down his big-arse beer in the cup holder and not double checking that it's secure. And que his big-arse beer dumping into my lap.

Did I mention that I was wearing my mostest favorite dry-clean only jeans? Oh and my brand new mostest favorite silk tunic shirt? Also dry-clean only? And my Kate Spade shoes that I got for an amazing steal of $40 and I could never replace if I tried for a million years? Well, that's what I was wearing.

Oh, and did I mention that I HATE BEER? I hate, hate, hate it. Being Mormon, I don't drink beer of course, but even if I wasn't and I could, I WOULDN'T. I hate the smell of the stuff. I cannot imagine drinking something that smells so much like rotten BUTT.

And now? I am COVERED IN BEER. It spilled onto the bottom of my tunic shirt. Into the space between my legs and down onto the seat, which means it spread around my butt. It was all over my legs and all over my left arm and it had also dripped onto my shoes and therefore INTO MY SHOES. I swear it must have been the biggest beer in history and it must have also been the smelliest.

So, being that this guy had just dumped his beer in my lap, I glanced over to him, sort of looking for some sort of apology. OH NO. He thought I had been the one to knock it over, so he just glared at me. I quickly mumbled some sort of "I'm sorry" then tried to quickly gather up my plethora of bags (which did not go so quickly) and then try explain why, less than two minutes ago "yes, I know I just sat down but now I appear to have sprung a keg and I'm re-climbing over your lap with all of my bags IN MY NOW WET KATE SPADE HEELS with which I will kick you if you don't MOVE!"

I finally made my way out of the theatre towards the bathroom where I ran into my husband, who could do nothing but laugh. Meanie. Then in the bathroom, I'm trying desperately to sop up the beer with wet paper towels without leaving white crap all over my outfit. Then there's the dilemma of the beer in the shoes. I mean, I'm not a huge germophobe by any stretch of the imagination, but barefoot in a public bathroom? Sssssick. Barefoot in a public CASINO bathroom? NO FRICKIN' WAY. So I take one shoe off at a time and try to balance with all of my bags (because for some reason after watching some stupid germ special a while ago I cannot bring myself to set my purse on the floor in a public place, let alone, once again, a PUBLIC CASINO BATHROOM and there are lots of people in there and I think it's rude to set it on the counter and take up the space.) so I'm hopping up and down whilst trying to rid myself of the yeastiness.

So to make a long story longer, I obviously couldn't possibly get the beer out of my clothes, so I just tried to mop up the best I could and go back to the theatre and watch the whole show damp and smelling like butt. Luckily my sweet husband had taken the seat next to the beer guy, who, throughout the WHOLE SHOW, clutched his precious 1/4 cup of beer in the hand furthest from me. Good idea, pal.


Brillig said...

Ahahahahaha. Poor Kate.

I will try not to point out what a snob you are, with your fancy shoes and purse and, um, hello, Dry-clean only jeans.

Instead, I will just laugh my head off. SO many gems in here. "Meanie" being one of my favorites.

Ah. Poor, poor Kate. Do you love me, even though I'm laughing at you?

Kateastrophe said...

First of all, I should state, for the record, that the purse is from Target, and the jeans are dry clean only because they have decorated butt pockets. If I were to wash them they would be decorated no longer. And I like them decorated.

I already explained the shoes . . . DEAL OF A LIFETIME. 'nuff said. I just had to include those details so y'all would understand how devastating the beer spill really was. Had I been in another outfit, I would have been upset, but not quite as mad!

And yes, still love you!

Jenn in Holland said...

A beer spill in any outfit is a DISASTER because as you so graciously put it, BEER SMELLS LIKE BUTT.

And my favoritest of all lines in this ""yes, I know I just sat down but now I appear to have sprung a keg"

Chortle and snort worthy.
Sorry about the dumb ass with the beer cup. But did you like the show?

janaya said...

umm... this guy is lucky it was you and not me sitting next to him... i definitely know for a fact that if that encounter with the beer was NOT my fault, he would have gotten an ear full and a demand for some form of recourse. he really did nothing!? while everyone else is laughing at this, i'm fuming about the idiot who expected an apology from you! holy crap, i'm pissed. haha.

CableGirl said...

oooh... you actually apologized to the guy who dumped beer on you?!?! WOw. You're a much nicer person than I am. I'm sure many many expletives wouldhave come hurtling out of my mouth at him at that point.

Kudos to you on the reserve.

Sorry about the icky public casino bathroom debacle. *shudder* I HATE public restrooms.

Jewels said...

HAHAHAHA! Oh, so many things...

First - I must agree with Brillig - you and your brands, hahaha

Second - I can't believe you apologized to this jerk! I would have made SUCH a scene, you have no idea. I mean, you were already seated when he decided to get all splashy with his 97oz. beer cup. All we can hope is that this jerk's liver fails. Ok, that was mean.

and Three - You must tell me about all your fashion finds! I'm so jealous, I love shopping with you.

The Bakers said...

hhhahahahah! Hhahahahh! Hurph. 'Nuf Said. HAhhahhahH!

Sheila said...

Wow, just wow. Only Kate . . .

Sara said...

How come sassy kate never comes out to fight when something like this happens? I would have demanded that guy give me money for my dry clean only items! Unless he was a large beer drinkin man in which case I would have bought him another beer, and apologized for getting in the way of his beer on its way to the floor...

Kimberly said...

Oh my...apoloizing when it's his fault...is there any Canadian in your ancestry? =P

Emily said...

argh - i totally feel your pain. i think we may be twins separated at birth. and the worst of all spills always seem to happen when you're wearing your most favorite/expensive/impossible to replace clothes. for whatever reason.

DG said...

Hi Kate... just stumbled on your blog and I'm DYING of laughter! That truly sucks. Why is it only when you're wearing the good clothes does something like this happen!!

Hi by the way - I'm DG :)

DG said...

By the way, I'm at www.blond-d.typepad.com

molly said...

Ugh that's so awful...beer is so stinky!

I'm going to Vegas in 13 days! Any tips?

Luisa Perkins said...

Oh, how awful. Beer is sick.

But didn't you love the BMG? We saw them years ago in Manhattan, and I thought they were awesome.

Virtualsprite said...

EEEEWWW! What a horrible experience... but so funny the way you told it. Just brilliant!

Brooke said...

You are seriously probably the funniest person i know! I just love to see what you'll say next!

Butrfly4404 said...

"with which I will kick you if you don't MOVE!"

hahahah...you're so funny!

Without the Kateastrophies, there would be no blog, right?

hahaha...glad you can laugh about it now, because I would have been SO FURIOUS. I have quite the temper and being a stranger would NOT save that guy from it.