I am a shallow, shallow woman. I'm sort of disturbed by shallowness, honestly.
I've been home sick two days this week, and I've had a lot of free time to blog-hop. And I discovered the blogs of some girls from the past that, honestly, I didn't like to begin with, so why I bothered checking up on their lives when I stumbled across them is beyond me. Maybe I was hoping that they had turned ugly, poor and miserable . . . who really knows. But I looked . . . and now I'm seething with jealously and envy.
I want to know how it's possible for young couples with a stay at home mom and three young kids to be building a mega-mansion and own a $40,000 ski boat AND have a pool and throw elaborate birthday parties for their children AND manage to stay a teeny tiny, toothpick legged size 2 with perfect highlights and a tan. HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN? How are their homes still immaculately decorated and how do they have time for perfect scrapbooks and photography and how do they drive freakin' ESCALADES? Most of these kids came from significant money and I'm sure they married into families with significant amounts of money and now Mommy and Daddy gave them awesome jobs and fund their perfect lives. Or maybe they are swimming in uncontrollable debt. That's what I like to dream is going on anyway . . .
Since when am I so proud that I can "hate" other people for what they have and I don't, and wish I had it so that when people looked at me, they were jealous?
Oh yeah. Since forever.
Then I find myself wondering what they'll think when they find me.
I feel awkward and guilty admitting that I care what people think of me what I've made of my life. I wasn't one of the "popular" kids in school, but I sure wasn't a hated one. Most people knew me and, for the most part, people liked me. I always had friends, I always had joy. Very rarely did I feel left out or mocked. I grew up poor and fairly awkward looking, so sure, I had my moments, but I always had the self-esteem to just not care. Only as I got older does it seem that I care. My self-esteem sort of took a dive and now I care more than I ever did. And it sort of makes me sick. I don't want to show up at my ten year high school reunion next year as one of those people who feels she has something to prove to all of my classmates. Yet I find myself already planning to diet for the next year to be skinny . . . trying to figure out my "best" outfit and what shoes to wear or which expensive ones to buy just for the occasion. I find myself being sucked into the whole superficial thing. Caring about what they think . . . wanting to impress them and come across "better off" than I really am.
In all honestly, I'm sure that those girl's lives aren't as perfect on the inside as they look on the outside. I'm sure these girls turned out to be much better women then they were high school students. Heaven knows I did. I'm sure that, in different circumstances, these girls would be my friends. Maybe it's not family money at all . . . maybe they married amazingly brilliant men with a knack for making money and that's just the way it is. Maybe they suffered while their husbands were in law or medical school and now they're finally not dirt poor, and I missed the whole story. In my life I have learned that perspective is everything. I have no idea what went on behind the scenes to get them where they are, what might be going on now to keep them this way. I'm also sure that they are just as worried about impressing everyone as I am.
My husband and I both have college degrees (albeit my degree is useless but THAT'S NOT THE POINT.) and we have good jobs and we work hard. We have nice cars (and more cars than we need) and a nice home and have the things that we need and lots that we just want. I guess if we decided we HAD to get an expensive boat and an expensive truck to pull it, we'd find a way to make it work. We have no debt to speak of and we live in joy. We go on vacation and we have enough money to get a really nice vacuum when the crappy one I got on sale breaks. I'm sure there are a number of people who look at my life with the same disgust I feel when I look at those girls. People probably wonder how I got so lucky . . . wonder "what did that snotty girl from high school do to deserve what she has?"
If I put this all into perspective, I realize that we all have someone we envy. Someone who has "more" than we have of something. I know I'm not alone in my fear of what people think, nor am I alone in my envy of others. I just have to let go of some of my stupid pride and accept that fact.
But, so does everyone else.
Hahahaha. Just kidding.
Kind of.
Ta-Daa! Sticky!
16 comments:
You don't have to kid with me, because it's something I have to let go of too. Like you, I find the older I get, the more I care about impressing people. Maybe it's because I think I should've hit a certain point of worldly success/beauty/poise/maturity...take your pick. =) I try to think positive, focus on my family and what my priorities actually should be, but it's hard. I don't think it makes me a bad, superficial person. Just a gal who has a little more growing up to do, is all.
i think you're so so normal. but can i just tell you that when my 10 years reunion rolled around, i really wanted to go, but i didn't get to (long story, but it was up in canada and that created complications)... anyway, MOST of the people from highschool, i hadn't seen or even talked to since highschool. that's a lot of growing up in everyone's lives. so when the reunion came around and everyone started exchanging emails and reacquainting (albeit virtually), i quickly discovered that old baggage and petty highschool feelings were gone. we were all grown up and there was nothing to be "highschool" about anymore. everyone had a life that they had lived, some had started families, some were working, some who you would have pictured living a perfect life weren't, and others that should have been total failures were finding success. it felt balanced and just really fun to connect with people who used to be "snobbish" or "dorky" or "popular" or "losers"... honestly, it might sounds silly, but it changed me in a way. i found joy in hearing about their lives, just like they enjoyed hearing about mine. anyway, i have to agree with you that you have a TON going for you and so many blessings and i'm sure so many people would be so excited for you that you are living the life you live. and really, don't you prefer that over having them envy you? :) anyway, enjoy the 10 year... make new friends with old acquaintances.
(wow... that got long fast. haha)
you hit the nail on the head quite a few times in this post. i think that envy (especially of material things) is something most women have in common.
one thing i've learned is that no one's life is perfect. everyone has problems. often you can't see them, but they're there.
Now, see, when I had been married for as long as you've been married, I was living in a dumpy basement apartment of my evil grandma's house while waiting on her hand and foot as my "rent". I was pregnant with my second child, driving a car that Brian's parents were going to throw away, but we begged for it instead. Brian was still in school, with no end in sight, and I was fatter than fat because I'd never lost the weight from my first pregnancy when I got pregnant with my second. We owned nothing. Eating out was NEVER an option. Brian was working on top of going to school and making $9/hour.
Does that make you feel better?
Love you, by the way, and I LOVE your honesty in this post. And since I was "with" you while you were doing this blog-hopping, I know who you're talking about and I know about some of the inner bitterness about these girls. And I don't blame you, nor do I think that any of us do any differently. I love that you're honest enough to point out that you may WRONG about your assumptions about them too.
And now that I've written a novel here, I think I'll go away...
Love you.
DudeKate...email me those links! I wanna see!!
How true, how true. Everyone's life looks so glamorous on the surface and, even though I know it's really only a house of cards, I'm green with envy.
Thanks for sharing. I feel better that I'm not alone!
Is it wrong that I think it's hilarious that the only thing Hannah wrote was a request to see the links to the girls you referred to? I must agree with just about everyone on here - yes, we all feel like that at times. It's much easier to look at other people's lives and assume that it's always that perfect and polished. It's must easier to want what someone else has rather than appreciate what we have. There are so many things about YOU that I envy and not one of them is a material thing. You have qualities and traits that I will never, ever have - I know for a fact that the women on those blogs don't hold a candle to you when it comes to wit, generosity or loyalty. There are SO many things that you are brilliant at and just because they aren't always available to take pictures of and post on your blog, we all see them and that is why you are loved by so many.
Hi, I've only just started reading your blog so I hope you don't think me presumptuous in saying this. I love your honesty in this post. I think that we all have our moments of jealousy and desire for what we think other people have. I think it would be hard to call yourself human if you didn't. I also, however, think it's great that you can recognize this as well as recognize all the great things you have in your life and be happy with what you have.
Thank you for this thought provoking post.
Hi Kate! Sorry you're not feeling good. Julia, truly agree that it's hilarious that Hannah simply asks for the posts... because I want to see them too. Actually, I take that back, I already know what they will look like. I had a similar experience the other day, Kate, where I got a link to some high school people of people i didn't really like in the first place (email me directly and i'll pass on the link) and ended up walking away rolling my eyes. it all just looked like a bunch of keeping up with the joneses to me. i feel sorry for the majority of those people really. you have a great life, kate. i know because i caught a glimpse of it and i know you have a great husband, job, life. love you, angie
Ok, I never expected this kind of reaction! You guys are all great! Thanks for all of YOUR honesty in your comments!
I have such amazing friends.
I often find myself playing these games with my old 'loser' friends. Or with the kids' mom. ("How the hell does she have a new car!? She doesn't even have a job!!") I should probably be telling myself something more noble like, "Possesions don't equate happiness" but it's more like "They probably stole it, anyway."
Whatever gets me by.
We all feel like this. Maybe not Buddha or Jesus, but for mortals - we all get envious once in a while.
I agree that I love your honesty and the whole approach of this post.
Dude- just know that you are amazing... and a little jealousy doesn't make you a bad person. You are the best person I know! I look up to you and respect you, and really I hope to be like you when I decide to grow up! And the one thing that I do know is that what we went through being poor and earning what we had... is what has made you great!
Ok, random coincidence, Julia Geary (now Pugmire) just moved into my ward and I was totally surprised to see her. We ended up talking and she was updating me on all of her friends from high school and she's still good friends with all of them and she asked me who I kept in touch with on a regular basis from high school besides Mary Ann Cameron and I was like, "Ummmmm, no one. I have no clue what most of those people are up to."
I love your honesty in all of your posts and I totally understand how you feel on this one, but it still makes me curious to see their blogs. I'm not sure that I would even know them though because I know like five people from the honors program and that's about it. I really was in a world of my own back then.
When Mrs GF and I wonder how some people can afford large boats and trucks to pull them and things like that we always come around to the answer "well, we are paying for soccergirl's college education now, so maybe we can buy stuff like that when she leaves home"
I don't really know how true that is, but our cars are paid for, we support the church, and we get to go on vacation every year. At the end of the day, we're gettin' by, so we don't really sweat it.
Very well put. I'm always a little envious of other people too... but I know I have a lot.
I think I already know who you are talking about Kate because at least one of them, when I first saw her blog I felt the same way. All that I can do is look at what I have and I have decided that they HAVE TO BE in debt!! There is no other way! We work too hard to not be where they are if they earned it the same way otherwise! right?! Thanks for the post, I have the same thoughts all of the time!
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